Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
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I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
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Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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