those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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