Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Let's get the cat blown out
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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