I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
