i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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