watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
