there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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