I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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