I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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