I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
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It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
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Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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