I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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