I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
