I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
