im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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