the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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