It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wear drunk well.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
