I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
