Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
