she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
