I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
