New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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