I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
