I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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