Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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