Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
