Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
