I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
