sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
