Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
