I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
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I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
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His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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