soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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