Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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