the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
