There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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