We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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