They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
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