im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
