The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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