Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
