It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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