sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I would fuck him just for his dog
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
