I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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