So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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