Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
