So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
