The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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