i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
