Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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