I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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