I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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