i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
