Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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