i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
