like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
