just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
