Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
