I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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